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X-Posted from my website, http://www.michichael.com
Whelp, that bout of being antidepressed didn't last very long. Back to being depressed - over what you might ask? Depressed and mildly ticked.... Read the disclaimer at the top of this page. Right then. What's got me so irritated and depressed actually consists of myriad factors, the trigger this time being Taren’s repeated insistence that I go do something else this weekend, as his new interest is also coming over this weekend, this really hits a raw nerve with me. It’s not fair to him because if I had somebody I wanted over I’d request some alone time too but I’m still mildly jealous and hurt. My feelings do not require logic, fuck you. Anyway, that, coupled with the fact that I’ve continuously harped on him to get his school shit done, including the financial aid, so he can start classes, and he just finally registered today, but has yet to get his financial aid and stuff filled out. It just feels… ugh, coupled with the stress from work that I’ve been going through, getting my shit done, etc… yeah feels like I shouldn’t have to remind him constantly to do this shit – he should be responsible and mature enough to do it himself. The trick being that he’s completely infatuated with this new guy, and everything else is second priority to spending time with said new fur. I guess what my friend linked me is pretty accurate: “We stay in control, and keep the unpredictability and vulnerability of genuine intimacy at a safe distance.” Anyway, yeah. Just edited out an entire rant I had a moment ago because I’m no longer as pissed off about that one part… and now have mixed feelings about what he just asked. Blarg. Well two things – firstly, he wants me out of the house, which I’ve already mentioned, because he wants to fool around with his new boy toy and paw off to porn via the PS3 (And I’ll admit, porn looks awesome on a 42” LCD). The second factor being that he just asked if he could bribe me, with money he has saved up, to go pick up said boy toy in the event that he, the boy toy, can’t use his mom’s car to get up here. Gah. Ok, so many things in that statement that create conflicted emotions, especially with Ariyu wanting to go complete bitch mode on Taren. First off let me point out that I’m fine doing so, but the method of which he asked is what sparked all of this. God damnit being multiperceptive fucking sucks in situations like this, as I need to go through and try to ignore all of my emotions long enough to focus on each one individually, weigh the merit of each emotion, and finally decide on which one I want to feel. The end result often being I just lock down and go emotionless. Let’s see what emotions I feel here: Anger, Jealously, Sadness, Offense, and the ever prevalent “Hurt” – that’s a popular one. So… to give everyone a bit more insight to what goes on my head every second of every goddamned day, because 99.9% of the time, Ariyu and I are of different mindsets (her usual reaction being anger and violence, mine being sarcasm and avoidance…), I’m going to detail out exactly how this process works for each emotion: Anger – Ariyu’s reaction primarily, but I felt it too – for two reasons. Firstly, that he felt like he needed to bribe me to go get his new lover – we may no longer be mates, but that doesn’t mean that I won’t help him out as a friend, even if it hurts me emotionally. Further, the fact that he feels that giving m extra money (which will just be going towards back bills anyway) will make those feelings of being hurt go away or be soothed also pisses both of us off. Does he think we’re shallow or something? No, that’s probably not his intent. Either way, really bad way of popping that question. Jealousy – My emotion mostly. Ariyu no longer gives a rats ass about him, in fact she wants nothing further to do with him intimately at all, namely because of the hurt I’m feeling as a result of our relationship’s termination. I’m jealous – not much to go into that, and hardly a reason to say no. Sadness – I’m fairly sad and depressed that he thinks so little of me that he’d have to throw money at me right when he asked the question, as well as the fact that he bases giving me the money solely as “far more than the gas it’d cost” instead of, I don’t know, tossing it to me towards bills, rent, or any of the other expenses we incur. Maybe? Kinda? So yeah. Offense – pretty self explanatory one here. Me and Ariyu are both offended by the fact that he assumes we’re so shallow. Moving right along… Hurt – once again, pretty self explanatory. It hurts seeing him happy with somebody else. I really need to move on. Somehow. We just wish we knew how… Well I wish I knew how. Ariyu of course keeps suggesting that we just cut him off completely, but that’s her way of doing things. He’s my friend damnit, I’m not going to abandon our friendship because I’m hurt that we’re no longer mates. So, once I processed each of these individually, of course, the time for said reaction was already passed and since there’s nothing material to be angry at, that emotion fizzled, the offense emotion never lasts much past the processing phase, and the jealousy emotion is being mercilessly crushed by sadness and hurt. Joy. So that’s where we’re at right now. *sighs and curls up* Off to more pleasant news. We’ve got yrfoxtaur moving in as well in the next few weeks , and he’s already got his classes and stuff settled so everything should be golden as far as that goes – once he’s established a new job out here I’ll probably be less stressed about monies. Um… what else. Oh yeah – the cats vet visit went well enough, I guess. Pixie’s got a heart murmur which isn’t cause for concern, however she’s got a very strange, brittle, black growth that covers her claws like an extension of her sheath – it appears to be growing OUT of the claw sheath and appears painful to her when it’s broken off. The vet had no bloody idea what it was, but she seems healthier than she has been in the past, and the goddamned idiots from High Desert Animal Clinic didn’t bother faxing the items til today. Gee, thanks assholes I asked for it to be faxed by last Saturday for a REASON. Anyway, I’m stuck being depressed and it’s after midnight. Gonna spellcheck, post, and go to bed.
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